Hope.

Are there times which you hoped that someone close to you would just trust you?

Those times, when they simply do not trust you,

it hurts. so badly.

I am not trying to be a meanie here and bitch about anyone that I love.

I just felt that I needed someone to talk to.

To express what I'm holding in.

Why do people not trust me when I say I have proper diets and not starving myself?

Why do people not trust me when I knew I put in the effort to keep a healthy weight?

Is this all I am?

Someone not worth trusting?

I don't know, really.

It suddenly feels like I am all alone.

Because what I say, no one believes it anyway.

So what is the point of saying?

What is the point of saying so much when no one believes it?

I feel horrible, I feel lonely, I feel like tearing up in a corner.

Maybe, things will get better if I talk to my toys.

If I were to sit in a corner and cry with my pillows.

Maybe that's what will make me better.

I will be a better person.

I will.

love,

cynnie.

Childhood.

Thoughts. 

I always have so much emotions whenever I get to Tampines. 

As I stood by the bus stop and felt a gush of wind breezing through my face, memories hit me so badly.

I remembered times when I was younger, my family would visit my Granny's apartment at Azelea Park located in Tampines every 2/3 Saturdays. 

We would arrive at Tampines in the afternoon at approximately 3/4pm, grabbing snacks from the shopping mall before heading there. 

Oh, there's this one favorite snack of mine I remembered. 

It's like an agar-agar kueh + jelly that's green in color, with a slice of kiwi. 

At the top layer lies the jelly, and the bottom layer is similar to a kueh/sponge cake texture which I always loved.

I remember when I first decided to try it, it's just because it looks pretty :p 

But never did I expect myself to fall in love with it. 

Years passed, and the same routine goes on until my granny moved over to my godparents house and stopped visiting Tampines since then, besides Ikea and Giant which we would still visit once in a while. 

Even the shop that sold my favorite kueh closed down since the revamp of Tampines mall.

So when we usually visit my granny's apartment, we would just

Sit around the house,

prepare dinner,

go for a swim & chill by the pool

look through my uncle's library of books,

throw my uncle's stuffed toys all over the place and my favorite was his Doraemon plush which can be transformed into a Dorayaki :D

watch tv in the living room with packet drinks and Hanuta hazelnut biscuits

I love the fridge in my granny's house.

There's like 3 doors, and the most accessible door would be the middle one, filled with packet drinks and Hanuta biscuits/Ferrero Rocher or any other chocolates that my uncle brought back. 

We will have ground peanuts available in the living room too as well as barbecued pork/chicken occasionally. Sounds like a snack feasting session even before dinner is served isn't it?

Then after, we would all gather in the dining area, using a mahjong table covered with newspapers. 

The usual dishes which are usually Peranankan  dishes and makes my heart flutter:

Sambal prawn

Chap Chye (mixed and braised vegetables)

Lotus root soup/Daikon soup

After dinner, my aunts and mum will then clear up the dishes while the rest would head to the living room and watch tv together. 

Remember those days whereby supermarkets have their variety programmes on Saturday nights? 

We still do have Sheng Siong ones now too, but are on Sundays. 

While everyone enjoyed the company of one another and get entertained by the tv program, sliced fruits are served on a huge plate filled with a variety of fruits and ice.

All of us just gathered round it, eating fruits and having small talks with each other or simply discussing about the tv programme together. 

It sounds like nothing, or maybe it's really nothing, but such cosy moments are something that you want to hold and cherish forever.

It has been a few years since Granny passed on.

But these memories have never faded.

I remembered how much she loved roasted meat with rice, and she has a sweet tooth.

I held her hands by the bed side and I remembered her saying she wants to visit Korea.

She wanted to see snow.

I would love to visit Korea too, and I hope I can view these things on behalf of her.

Time to work harder cynnie.

Haha.

To think back about it, these are some of the moments which I never used to think that they are special.

But now they are, and holds a significant spot in my heart.

It was indeed a biggest regret and pity in life that we did not get to see that very last moment of her.

But we know she did not want us to witness that very moment.

She was thoughtful.

I miss you Granny.

And when I typed all these words out, many images flashed through my mind.

I got teary-eyed, but at the same time, I smiled.

It was conflicting.

There are so many happy moments to reminiscence, but there are so much misses and wants to get back to those moments.

This is a part of my childhood.

Some childhood moments that I will never forget.

Saying this out,

I hope I sleep sweet tonight with these memories that are precious as gold.

Sleep sweet & goodnight,

cynnie.

Stand By Me, yes it's Doraemon!

Just a few moments ago, I was in the theatre with Reggie (my sis) and catching our all-time favorite cartoon since young, Doraemon.

Remember how Doraemon used to be shown on Channel 8 on Saturdays at 9.30am?

Something called 乐乐时光 with a bunny hopping around and teaching history on and off at times?

It was some of the best moments in life.

That's our childhood.

And to be frank, this Doraemon movie is not to be missed!

This will be you.

Okay maybe not all of you but some, including my sister and I!

I thought I wouldn't cry because it has always been a funny cartoon similar to Crayon Shin Chan and the front parts were really hilarious!

But before I knew it, sobbing already...

It was kind of funny though, I had to sit up in the middle of the movie because I could feel that I was shaking the seats due to my heavy breathing for air.

You know those feeling when you're sobbing and you need to breathe in as much air as you can so you don't really have heaving gasping sounds which will attract the attention of the others that you're crying?!

I tried very hard to breathe in quietly HAHA ended up shaking the seats.

Anyway, tears rolled down my cheeks because my heartstrings were tugged.

It's how this movie portrayed the relations of a friendship that evolved into something like siblings.

Have we ever felt that we are taking things for granted?

How many days, months and years have passed that took us so long to realize that everyday is a blessing to live through, and seeing our loved ones living through it with us together?

I have to admit, I do.

I used to think everyday is the same, we get our "tomorrow" everyday.

But what if one day we don't get it, or someone of ours do not get it?

With this somehow, allow me to give my condolences to the deceased of QZ8501.

We have quibbles, arguments or even cold wars.

Not once in a while, but we can have it everyday.

But at the end of the day, we apologize and resolve it, going to bed with a smile.

or at least we resolve it the next morning.

Because everyday is precious.

everyday is worth holding on to.

everyday is to be cherished.

So after all, I still love my siblings.

I love my family.

I know one day I might just forget what I've said, thought or typed in here before.

but I believe when I read back, I could ask myself,

"What have I been doing all these while? Have I forgotten something important?"

I hope someday, we could all remember everyone that played a part in our life.

Perhaps not all, but some.

Cheers to sisterly moments at our favourite Chinese restaurant - Mayim!

The dopest Chinese Kimchi yummehhhhh!

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And coming to my favorite season of the year - Winter.

Which means Winter Solstice.

And that means Tangyuan!

The very first batch that my mum made.

Too much coloring!!

But it looks good though, nice and warm in the heart <3

The second batch!

Cooked for my dad, mum and I :D

And that's what we called bliss.

Why I cherish every moment I have with my parents.

All for these moments.

and my siblings too :)

It's never too late.

Tell your loved ones, how much you love them.

Some things are left to be said than unsaid.

With love from cynnie and her family,

Happy New Year guys!